Full of Vexation Come I

Hope Moffet is going to be fired. She is going to be fired even though she is a good teacher and even as terrible teachers keep their jobs. Que vergüenza. An embarrassment, a shame.

After school today, I met Steve on Market Street and walked home, spitting and cursing the whole way. FULL of vexation. Not just about Hope (and other dismaying news that Steve brought from his union meeting) but about my own school. I'm so invested in my school, so ready to work hard to see real changes - in my students, in the quality of education we provide, in the role of teachers in our country, in myself. And initially, this new investment - won only after I finally started to feel confident in my teaching - brought so much exuberance. It's exciting to have something to believe in, to have a worthwhile goal to chase down. But with the exuberance come these sharp pangs of disappointment. And vexation.

I am vexed that no one seems to have the first idea about how to improve education in our country. I am vexed that even at my school, a place full of smart, dedicated people, we can't get our act together to make a sound plan for improvement. I am vexed at all the stupid, self-righteous people in the world parading around without the slightest hint of how destructively, intolerably stupid they are. And the more I invest myself, the more hours I spend on new ideas and plans and meetings, the more vexed I can become. I start thinking "This school/this district/this country/this world deserve what they GET!" I imagine myself storming out with all my vexation.

So, I feel very lucky that Steve listens to me and understands me (especially lucky that he understands cursing-spitting me) and that he lured me back to this school/this district/this country/this world with fajitas and cuba libres. I took a calming walk around the neighborhood while he chopped peppers and mashed avocados, and I came home more grounded. But I don't see myself divesting any time soon. In fact, I'm sure I'll keep investing like a mad woman, like a crazy Wall Street junkie. I'm addicted to big investments - in relationships, in jobs, in places, in ideas - and I haven't learned yet how to back down from opportunities to invest. That seems like the kind of thing only a baby might teach me. So until I get schooled by my baby, look out. Full of vexation come I.